Going down - with fleas

The preCanada diet is coming along nicely with 4 pounds shifted so far. That is, on a positive note, over a quarter of the way there. On the other hand there is the blind panic of "oh no, only four weeks to go, I'll never do it." However, 10 pounds over 4 weeks doesn't seem impossible, just hard work.

Internet Dating Jane didn't pay me for walking her dog so I kidnapped him. This wasn't my best idea ever as he had fleas which I am sure he will have liberally scattered throughout my house and passed on to my dog. It's Frontline flea potion all round - I do wish Mr Smith would sit still so I can apply it to the back of his neck.

Gay courgettes

It is so hideously dry. We have skies full of dense black clouds that never burst. The garden is frazzled. I water and water but it doesn't do much good; perhaps the bizzy lizzies perk up a bit but everything else looks brown. The courgettes have only male flowers and no pregnant ladies - why? Do bees not like my courgettes? Are they simply batting from the other end of the veg garden? As for those awful runner beans the Lovely Claudia gave me; they have stupid white flowers instead of red ones. I'll never trust her again. The carrots need thinning but I can't really be bothered. The french beans have disappeared. My vegetables are awful this year as I didn't really give them the time and devotion required. One day I will.

Aids

Ooooh how I lurve my new handbag. I am taking it on a journey today - it's first outing... to the seaside.

It's my goddaughter Lizzie's birthday today so I making her cupcakes and taking them to her house for a little party. Hope she likes them. Hope I don't scoff them all.

I have found a less drastic and less expensive answer to my slimming aids. Rather than sign up for a stupidly expensive course of Lighterlife, I am going to give Slimfast a whirl. Their potions and powders and grits can be purchased at Boots, much more convenient, and I can start immediately and lose my stone before Canada. It also means I can eat a sensible amount of fuel rather than a rather measley, not to mention dangerously low, 500 cals a day. Happy now.

Good diet/Bad diet

I have been reading about Lighterlife, the rather expensive diet thingy that people do. Claudia's neighbour has lost a staggering 5 stone in a few months. I decided to do some investigation. On their website are lots of sylphine people with testimonies of worship. Then I fished around the internet for some dissatisfied customers who were, not surprisingly, numerous and easily accessible.

However, I have to say the moaners were mostly moany because they hadn't stuck to it. Yes it's expensive. Yes, you can make your own 500 calorie meals but what a flaming hassle when you can just pay and have them done for you. And of course if you go back to eating all the crap you were before you started you will put the weight back on. Come on you anti Lighterlifers give me some really good moans like "all my hair fell out then I died" otherwise I might be tempted to give it a whirl.

Acquisitions

The Lovely Claudia met me at Westfield Shopping Centre where we went .... shopping. We tried on matching stripey dresses and looked like a couple of deck chairs. Well Claudia looked like a deckchair, I looked more like a comfy sofa. I bought a load of trivia e.g. new shreddies from M&S and some soap and and and ....... THE HANDBAG. Yes, I got it. I got the last one in the shop which is probably the last one in London. Oh it is so so so divine. My very own bit of Louis Vuitton to love and cherish and ponce about with trying to look rich which is a bit of a joke really as I am now poor, but I have a very nice handbag.

I would show you a picture but I left my camera out in the rain so it doesn't work any more and I definitely cannot afford a new one. What a saddo!

Having your cake and not eating it

Dilemma de la jour,(there usually is one): Arty Antonia has invited me to a cake fest at her place for three days. Obviously I won't attend all three days but it is taking place over three days to celebrate her 50th birthday. I have said I'll make and take some cakes which I will happily do as, you know me, I love making cakes. The tricky part is I am on my preCanada diet so I mustn't eat cakes ... but I know I will. If I go on Friday and the cakes are lovely I can then go back on Saturday and Sunday for some more. Oh woe is me.

About the preCanada diet: Boring.
Goal: to lose one stone by 26th August - that's a month away.
Story so far: Day one has resulted in a slight weight loss (I went to the loo).

I am tired from all that exercise yesterday and I'm hungry. Nothing new there then. Sticking to it? Prognosis doesn't look that good really does it? But I cannot be this fat and go to Canada - the plane will not get off the ground and I will displace all the water in our hosts' swimming pool. Efforts will be made.

Holidays in Hell

I have received an email from my Canadian sister in law giving me a run down of the itinerary she has prepared for us during our forthcoming trip to Canada. It all looked really exciting except for the baseball game from which I opted out but I don't think I was ever actually expected to attend anyway. There was a very scary bit at the end "We have a swimming pool so be sure to bring a swimsuit". Oh no. How am I going to lose three stone by Canada? I will start today.

I have been very good and charged up and down the swimming pool like Rebecca Adlington. I have also performed a billion household tasks like Mrs Beaton (including removing that broad bean stain on the sitting room carpet). I have to walk the dogs like Alfred Wainwright then prepare dinner like Delia and all will be well with my multi split personality disorder.