Niagara Falls on our heads

Mr Smith doesn't do boat trips but we got him to put on a plastic mac and join a million other people on a boat which sailed dangerously near the horseshoe falls, making us very wet indeed. The Apprentice and I loved it though Mr Smith did look a bit "I paid a wodge of Canadian dollars in order to get on a boat and be covered in water when I could have happily admired the falls from the land."

We then went to the Disneyland that is Niagara and ate hamburgers and donuts as one does. I bought a t-shirt and sent some postcards that got a bit wet from the waterfall spray on the walk back to the car so all the writing ran. Oh well, a bit of waterfall attached to one's holiday missive is an added bonus.

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous the whole time we've been here and it has now got very hot indeed. Everyone's gone to golf in the blistering heat leaving the Apprentice and me to loll in the swimming pool all day - what a hardship!

Tasting the Canadian Good Life

Parties, parties and more parties with a bit of swimming, shopping and wine tasting thrown in. This is the life.

Things I have discovered about Canada: It is VERY BIG. It is very expensive. It has very good wine.

Pancakes for Breakfast

One problemo of jet lag is the constant grnawing hunger. It's always time for a meal, either theirs or yours. Luckily our hosts are very tuned into this and produce food at every opportunity. This morning we are being treated to the proper Canadian Breakfast. I don't quite know how to tell them we hate maple syrup.

Team Canada

We are in Canada and very lovely and sunny it is too. Mr Smith has adapted nicely to Canadian time whilst I lie awake listening to him snoring, willing morning to come. Oh how I hate jet lag and having to constantly hit Mr Smith. (Split infinitive on purpose - local lingo.)

Team members: Mr & Mrs Smith and the Apprentice son
Georgina (sister of Mr Smith)
Ross (husband of Georgina, our excellent host)
Geoffrey (Bachelor brother of Mr Smith)
Cousin Adrian (Tennis pro son of Ross & Georgina
Off stage: Cousin Lauren (Sister of Adrian - yet to appear).

Geoffrey, the bachelor brother, has arrived with no Canadian money which has infuriated our hosts as he can't pay for anything. He is being sent to the bank. I am compensating by spending enormous amounts of Canadian wonga on glorious trash and lots of pressies and meals and snacks and expensive clothes. Such fun!

The Apprentice son has gone to Toronto to stay with Cousin Lauren and will reappear later in the holiday.

Now the scene is set and I am looking out of the window at the beautiful view - very treey and creekful and Canadian countrysidish.

Flying

I knew there was something I was doing this week .... I'm off to Canada tomorrow. We're going from lovely Terminal 5 at Heathrow - much nicer than smelly old Gatwick.

Now what shall I pack? - mmm, thermal vests and fur coats or skimpy sun dresses? I think both, then if it turns cold I can always wear the fur coats over the sundresses.

Internet Dating Jane went out with a chap called Ryan last night. I wonder if she flew Ryan Air all round the bedroom or did she keep her seat belt tightly fastened?

Stuff it

Can you get a whole Mr Kipling French Fancy in your mouth? Two?

It's one of those sort of days.

Geriatrics

I have now recovered from my all weekend hangover. I had a monster headache the whole of Saturday and Sunday with slight remnants hanging about today. I'm sure there's something I'm supposed to be doing this week, other than cleaning the kitchen and going to dancing classes. It'll come to me.

I went to the class after my Zumba today because someone told me it was good. It was awful - ballet for the elderly. It was so bloody slow; she kept stopping to teach each move. I got cold and bored. I am also NOT a ballerina. I was the youngest and the fittest but also the fattest. I have to lose weight and become more graceful at once.

Quilt quilt slow

Gary the postman looks exhausted; it's all these dance/exercise DVDs he keeps delivering. I got a bit carried away on Amazon and, every time there was a "People who bought this also bought this" notice, I had to have it too. So now I am rich in exercise videos. I am working my way through them rather fatly.

Yesterday I went to Birmingham for the day to look at patchwork quilts. It was OK for a day out but so many of the quilts were hideous, it was a bit depressing. Mary Clare bought us lunch with a bottle of wine which made it all worth while and there were some beautiful quilts amongst the frightfuls.

Alison and Unpresuming Ed came to dinner which had to be thrown together pretty quickly as I didn't get back from Quilts til quite late. Mr Smith had done everything except actually cook the food. I was so impressed - he can come again.

Bottling it up

I decided to bottle some peaches as I did some last year with a little brandy and they were yummy beyond yummy. I couldn't find the book I used last time as I think it was something I took out of the library so I followed some instructions on line. The problem was (there usually is one) the juice all flowed down the sides of the jars leaving them half empty. Come here little bacteria .... lovely peaches in hardly any syrup for you to enjoy. I am going to the market later today so I will buy some more peaches and start again and feed the gone wrong ones to my Mr Smith and see if he dies from botulism.

Only a week til our Canadian trip. One good thing is I am a lot thinner but my clothes still don't really fit and I haven't quite made it to the promised "stone lost before Canada" but I dare say lots of Canadians are fat so they won't stare at me in too horrified a fashion.

I made X Box work all by myself! It took me three days of pressing buttons and following wires. I don't want to play video games but I want to do my new dancing DVD - so keen these days. It's great without the Apprentice and Student here but so difficult to work anything technical. Ask Mr Smith? Excuse me while I go and weep with mirth.

Well Read

As predicted, the e-reader dumped me in techno hell. It took 3 hours to download everything - the everything being the program and all of Charles Dickens. I could have had Jane Austen as well but I've swottily already read all those. Anyway, I have started Bleak House and it's wonderful; I am Jarndyced to distraction. One problem with the e-reader is the page turning. The process of turning is easy enough but when you read an actual book your eye goes to the top of the next page as you're reading the bottom of the previous one so you get a good flow. This doesn't happen with the e-reader as you have to open the next page ... if you get my drift. This slows you down and makes slightly disjointed reading. I guess you get the hang of it after the complete works of Dickens; I don't know how to download anything else.

I went to the most knackering Zumba class imagineable for a whole hour last night and I will never walk again. However,it was wonderful despite Mr Smith moaning about having to cook the veg, which he didn't.

What the Dickens?

I wanted to read Bleak House as Mr Smith and I were debating the plot. I know she is married to some boring old bloke, but then she's a bit boring; Rufus Sewell comes to dinner and of course it all goes belly up - no, hang on a minute, that was Middlemarch. Anyway, I thought I'd take it out of the library. No chance. They have shelves and shelves of trash (some of which was prominently displayed gay trash) and one teeny little stand of "classics" on which there was one copy of Martin Chuzzlewit and a very tatty Oliver Twist. They sent me to Putney Library. It was closed. I knew that nasty librarian hated me - it's now mutual. I went to Waterstones instead and somehow bought an e-reader. This is a handy little library in your pocket - quite large pocket. I wonder if it contains Bleak House? Oh well, I will try it out but with no boys here I will no doubt end up in techno hell unable to make it work.

I am now looking forward to my trip to Canada because, if it's really boring, I can always read my e-books. I wonder if this is how books will be sold from now on? It would save us all those billions of trashy paperbacks that pile up on our landing. But there again it eliminates the possibility of having bookshelves that make Mr Smith look marvelously well read.

Impatient cow

Where are my cow collectors? I am bursting to go to my dancing class and they haven't arrived to take away the horrible cow that I hate ... Oh, they're not actually late yet. But if they are late then I'll be late and the world will end.

Dieting news: I am not as fat as I once was. However, I am far far away from the target I set myself for Canada. Oh fuck it, who cares?

I have had a delightful morning of paper shredding. I have shredded every bit of paper I can find including my bank statement (We don't want Mr Smith feasting his eyes on that). I had forgotten about the shredder and had spent many an hour worrying about my identity being stolen and someone else spending Mr Smith's money. I pressed the wrong button and it went into reverse spewing shreddies out in an alarming manner until it jammed and I fear will never work again. I will continue with ID theft worry.

Feeling fat, fat, fat

Keep fit was cancelled or changed or something so I got confused on some gym equipment (bikes and cross trainers) instead and met my thinnest friend, Marietta. She is so thin she makes people gasp. She's probably anorexic but her personality is so bubbly you think she's quite a big person after five minutes. We got into trouble for talking. Marietta is always in trouble for something; she was in court on Friday for speeding but managed to get off with a fine rather than lose her licence. We decided to do a Full Body Workout class together which was a bit of a joke really as my full body is about four of her one body. We looked like Dawn French and a pipecleaner. We pranced about fatly and thinly and felt frightfully virtuous and rather sweaty. I so prefer Zumba.

Tedium

Yesterday I was bored. This is rare for me as I am never ever bored. I had finished the cow, a task that had been hanging over me for quite some time, and all I had to look forward to was a long afternoon of ennui. Mr Smith is also bored. We rang and invited ourselves to stay with friends who all immediately had a thousand things to do - odd that. Then we thought we'd go to the sea in the rain but that's really boring and the flat is currently let to other bored people so we can't do that. I know, perhaps we'll spend the night in the spare room then Mr Smith can pretend he's taken me away for the weekend. Actually, that has to be his idea otherwise he moans and says he didn't want to go away in the first place.

I am determined not to be bored. I am going to a gruelling keep fit session called 20/20/20 which sounds like an extra long cricket match but is in fact 20 minutes of three different awful sounding exercises. I'll let you know how boring it was in my next.

Good things

Good things I did today: Went to my Zumba class and zumbaed madly. Then I cleaned the kitchen. I then finished the cow ... only a little bit of varnish to plonk on and it's done. I have to admit I have been avoiding it. I then opened an official looking letter from solicitors. I dread these as they might be someone doing me for slander or a really outrageous bit of parking or Mr Smith divorcing me. Luckily it was none of those things, it was a bit of dosh from my deceased grandmother. Thanks Granny.

My mother has just phoned me to tell me what I am allowed to spend the money on. I am so grateful as I was thinking something in the 3.15 at Chepstow looked promising or maybe I'd spend it on drugs. Good grief woman, I can spend it how I like. Just because my brother bought a painting from my grandmother's estate doesn't mean I have to. Anyway, he has more money than me AND I was given a painting so I didn't have to buy one. It's not a vast sum of money, just enough to clear my overdraft and avoid a financial inspection by Mr Smith.

After the Event

My mother spent two days trying to degrease her extractor fan panels. "But you just put them in the dishwasher" says I helpfully. She knows now as the man in Peter Jones told her the same thing.

I spent two days trying to make a neat umbrella hole in ID Jane's table cloth. I had to make a bias tape out of a bit of edging - there wasn't much - sew the bits together and neatly edge the hole. "But you can buy little rings in Peter Jones that you press together." I know now.

ID Jane very kindly left me a note on her smart notepaper at Lavender Cottage. Dear Annehrl, Thank you exhjfpg gjgowery hspoew;n holy moly jolly polly erganzt ... at which point I simply gave up. Her pen must have been set on predictive text.

My parents came to dinner last night and I cooked a dinner of the sort that reduces the kitchen to a bomb site and the washing up will loiter for many a day. I was considering calling in a few favours ... Who would like to come and wash up for me and dry up and put away? I know, the student son. He's in bed right now, it not being dark yet - midday. After all I drove him all the way to Farnham and back yesterday AND I managed to cook the dinner. Today I have to try and get his enormous tent back into its teeny weeny little bag; perhaps I could ask Bear Grylls to come and help - he's gorgeous and good at camping (when he doesn't slope off to the nearest five star hotel). He could then eat the left over pork en croute and pavlova from last night and then do the washing up.

Jellied Smiths

Mr Smith took me out to a fish restaurant where me met Mr Smith, his brother, and Mrs Smith, his mother. I thought I'd try jellied eels. They were really nasty and boney but you have to try things to know you hate them. I wouldn't have minded my bad choice if my brother-in-law hadn't tucked into a lovely lobster. We then had Hake and Chips and that was pretty horrible too; something about the texture of the fish - blanketty. The chips were really pale and really the whole thing was not quite my cup of tea at all. This morning I have an upset stomach which I suspect was from the copious glasses of wine I drank rather than the food.

I don't open bank statements. I don't like seeing the bottom figure compared to the top one, unless there has been a massive injection recently then I might, just to feel all rich and happy until I hand over my money to Robin Hood (Mr Smith, a man who specialises in taking from the rich to give to the poor, namely himself.) He keeps me a bit short so I have to go with begging bowl in hand and plead for more money. There then ensues a conversation along the lines of "You can't want more money woman, I gave you £3.50 last week." Well, OK, it might be a bit more than £3.50. Then we have to have the "How much on shoes?" conversation - I love that one! This month we have the Louis Vuitton handbag. Perhaps I had better open my bank statement and see just how dreadful this altercation is going to be.

Action Stations

My parents are coming to dinner tomorrow so cleaning is at the top of the agenda, along with cooking. What shall I make? Oh no they had that last time they came and that the time before. I'll think of something as I drive the student back to his flat in Farnham and do the shopping and go to Aqua Zumba. Gosh, so much to do and so few people to do it all for me.

I met Claudia and Carina for lunch (Coven subcommittee meeting) where I ate far too much and I've just remembered I am going out to dinner tonight with Mr Smith's family.
So much to eat and so few people to eat it all for me.... not that I'd let them.

Feeling bouncy

Mr Smith hates the dog. Our dog is a lovely ruby coloured cavalier (orange to you non doggies) with silly long ears and a velvet muzzle. He is extraordinarily affectionate and has a lovely spaniel disposition and a stupid teddy bear look. How can anyone hate the dog? Even dog haters admire him as he does "cuddly" rather well. Children adore him. Mr Smith's dislike of the mutt stems from the dog's refusal to be walked on Saturday. It was raining and the dog didn't want to go out; there wouldn't be enough people out to admire him. He put on the brakes and ground to a halt. Mr Smith got cross and now refuses to ever walk the dog again. This means I have to do the morning walk as well as the afternoon walk which is all very exhausting.

I am going to my Zumba class this morning in my new T-shirt bought at Nike in Portsmouth yesterday. I am really looking forward to it. Today's class is at a civilised 10.15am not a gruesome 9.15am. Much easier.

Passport to Portsmouth

That dratted Apprentice son of mine forgot his passport for his trip to France so we had to go to Portsmouth to deliver it. This resulted in shopping because when things get tough the Smith's go shopping. I do love Gunwharf Quays outlet shopping at Portsmouth. I bought a handbag (another one I hear you cry) that was once £90 and was now £20 and it is very pretty - flowery and smart leathery and very small. I nearly bought a short mac but Mr Smith said it looked like a Roger Moore safari suit so I gave it a miss. I thought it was rather smart.

Mr Smith is at war with the dog. They are not getting on. I will keep you posted.

Cakes and operations

I went to Arty Antonia's birthday tea in Bognor armed with little cakes that went down a treat. She had very nice friends there with whom I drank copious cups of tea and ate silly little cakes. Her man was there. I greeted him with "Hello Shit Face, I see you're back in her life." He laughed, he knew he deserved no better. Antonia was dismayed. I then had to atone for my sin (if caring for your dear friend is a sin) by listening to a blow by blow account of the man's gall bladder operation. Every time I wanted to scream "Stop, please, I can't take any more" I found myself asking another medical question and inspecting his livid scars and horrific midriff bruising. I asked for it, I got it. When the man had gone a friend arrived who had also had a gall bladder removed. Gosh, I didn't know it was a gall bladderless zone - I should have left mine at home. Of course talk of such things leads to everyone describing in detail every medical complaint and subsequent surgery they've ever had. I'm sure the birthday weekend will get jollier and I hope Antonia has a fun one.

I spent the rest of the evening with Simon & Donna in the Witterings. We went for a curry and had an alzheimer conversation - You know the one who was in that thing with whatsername - Oh yes, they then did thingummy and that other thing, you know the one with hujumaflip. And so it went on. We know each other well enough to get the drift and work through our senility at the age of 50 something. Simon calls it Alzhsimons.

Margot Fonteyn

Ooooh I'm all zingy and whizzy having just been to my Zumba dance class. It was brilliant and I was awfully good at it even though I was token fat person in the chorus. Those tap dancing classes I fumbled through paid off well as this is about 200 times easier. It's belly dancing meets Latin American. Not for those with a hip replacement, one feels. It was exhausting and I am a bit sweaty but I really enjoyed it and can't wait to go again. (Youtube/surreyzumba). Yesterday, on an impulsive whim I bought a spotty top which was perfect for Zumba. It is big a flowy arrangement that covers the fat bits very nicely. I am actually the size of two of most of the tiny stick creatures in the class and I was feeling rather large until Big Belinda turned up late. Was I pleased to see her!

Calling all men who like sporty little pale yellow cars with spikes on the wheels. Internet Dating Jane has got one and it's called Daisy.

Cup Cake Factory

Help I am a prisoner in a cupcake factory ... and loving it. I am making 24 for Antonia, 6 for Lizzie, lots of teeny ones with buterflies on the top and any leftovers can be eaten by my family.

If I eat a blueberry cheesecake muffin for breakfast I have used up my entire calorie intake until dinner - oh well so what! I really love blueberry muffins. The bit where your tongue hits the blueberries ooooooh just fantasmagorical.

Zumba, zumba like me

I went to Aqua Zumba, as one does - lots of prancing about in the water in front of a beautiful little ballet dancer lady. "Come to my Zumba studio dance class on Friday" she says. And before I knew what I was doing I was asking time, place and dress code. I then met a lady in the changing room who warned me of the horrors the Zumba studio dance class. Apparently, not only is it impossible, it is also knackering and soul destroying as you flail about hopelessly unable to keep up even a bit. Oh God, here we go. Also it is at an impossibly early hour. I need to buy some suitable shoes as my MBTs are just too clodhopping for dancing.

By the way Mr Smith wasn't very pleased with me about Sainsbury's (see yesterday) but then he's never very pleased with me about anything much. Must try harder. He wants to go away for the weekend ... goodbye, have a nice time; it looks like rain.

Hey good looking, what you got cooking?

I was going to clean the kitchen but then, on second thoughts, I think I'll just mess it up a bit more.

Firstly, I went shopping. I knew there was some reason why I had to go to Sainsburys but when I got there it bypassed me. When I got home I saw the £12 off voucher and nectar card Mr Smith had carefully put out for me. What shall I do? I could destroy the £12 voucher or I could tell him about a dreadful explosion in Sainsbury's that caused the till to go wrong so it couldn't take the voucher but it should all be back to normal next week.

Then I cooked. On the go we have Hungarian Goulash, Blackberry and Apple Crumble and lasagne. That just about exhausts my culinary repertoire of inedible meals. We will eat what we can and freeze what we can't.

Moo

When I start projects it is always with such enthusiasm which then wanes half way through before the whole thing becomes torture. I am at the torture stage with the latest cow, though I have performed a great transformation on one side - I have the other boring side to complete ... tomorrow. I've had quite enough for one day.

It takes two to tango, one to walk.

I am all excited about Arty Antonia's cake fest next weekend. Three days of tea and cakes seems a great way to spend your birthday to me. I will be making her cupcakes this week. I wish she'd answer her phone so I could ask her how many she'd like. Oh well, I'll just take an embarrassingly large amount - she can always freeze them or feed them to the hamster if all else fails.

Did I mention that I'd received my certificate for my coast to coast walk? It's very grand and laminated and on proud display for all to admire. It inspires me to put my walking boots on and do more trudging. Since it never rains I don't have bad weather as an excuse to sit in front of Countdown. Mr Smith is threatening to come walking too. Whilst it would be very nice to be accompanied by someone with a sense of direction, I rather think this is a solitary passtime as I don't want competitive pacing or any "Oh do come on" as I stop to admire a bee. I'll think about it.