Squashing romance

I was wondering if Internet Dating Jane's Tarzan was going to give her an engagement ring for Valentines. No, he gave her a squash racket!

I imagine a conversation along the lines of "Shall we play squash?" "No, I can't play squash." "Why not?" "Um, er, well, I haven't got a squash racket for a start."
Honestly, he seems to be from the Mr Smith school of wooing. I did tell him to buy her some chocolates; I will pop round later to eat them.

Romantic Candlelit Dinner for Mr & Mrs Smith

Mr Smith and I pored over the Cordon Bleu book together. Cor what a palaver. We shredded a cabbage, washed the shredded cabbage, drained the shredded cabbage, blanched the shredded cabbage, rinsed it in cold water, drained it again, fried it with onion, read it a little story then stewed it for an hour on the hob with two guinea fowl and some polish sausage on top. One also had to make a bouquet garni and repeat the whole cabbage procedure with some lardons; I can't believe I actually did this, but I did. After the prescribed time the guinea fowl hadn't cooked through and the cabbage was reduced to mush. I asked Mr Smith to slice the sausage, as I was trying to clean the silver candlesticks that he insisted on using in order to romaticise the meal. (Why? He doesn't do romantic.) He hacked it up into gigantic slabs of sausage. I must say I had some misgivings about this meal from the first read through of the recipe but only due to the Herculean quality of the work required. If I do this again I will simply braise the guinea fowl over the cabbage in the oven and add a few delicate slices of sausage to garnish.

The pudding didn't fare that well either. It was a quite delicious strawberry charlotte but the charlotte bit, made with my very own sponge fingers, had gone mushy. At least it held its shape. I really should have followed the instructions more carefully and made only 3-5hrs prior to serving. But I was making silly little dog cakes then.

The result: Two exhausted people stirring a bit of school cabbage and meat around their plates in limited lighting with the dog and the Apprentice popping in and out at 5 minute intervals. Romantic? Well, we drank pink champagne.

Be my Valentine .. or else

Mr Smith broke the tradition of a lifetime and not only bought me a valentine card but also a valentine mug for my valentine tea in bed. You see, nagging works!

I have cooked and cooked and cooked and stared at loads of washing up hoping it might just go away. In the end I did a deal with Mr Smith; I would wash if he dried and put away. He left it 'til morning thereby cutting out the middle motion and did manage to put it away, mostly in the wrong cupboards. I will sort it all out later.

I am now off to the Polish shop for polish sausage (not beeswax) but I have no idea which one I should buy as there is a vast array. My recipe for "Pintandeau au choux avec saucice" isn't very specific but it does have a picture. This seems somewhat rustic fare for Cordon Bleu. The recipes get progressively more difficult as you work your way through the book and this appears on page 12- the pudding is on page 350 and took me the whole of yesterday to make, including baking my own sponge fingers. It's ok, the novelty is wearing off and I am beginning to admire the bright spark who invented pot noodle.



It's silly dog cup cakes today. Sharks next.

Happy Unbirthday

I have had such an amazing week of presents. In fact it's been a present a day and sometimes two. Yesterday the Lovely Claudia came to visit with two lovely presents. The first was a book on cupcakes - not just any old cupcakes but THE most amazing cupcakes you could ever imagine. I have made my first batch and very silly they are too. Dog cakes are next; there are several pages of different breeds. Her other pressie was a pie slicer in the shape of a shoe with a detachable stiletto heel - daft but brilliant and useful for stabbing Mr Smith with if he makes any comments about wasting time on silly little cakes which I can't eat as I'm on a diet (which is going hopelessly by the way).

Gordon Blue

Mad Carina came round for belated birthday tea and cakes and pressie swap. I gave her wooden tulips and she gave me books - a veritable library of books, all brill reads. I have decided to come back to the educational ones in my next and get stuck into the chic lit without further ado. What a great friend - she knows just what I like.

Yesterday Mr Smith bought me a Cordon Bleu cookery book. I opened it and nearly fainted from the sheer hard work required to produce any of the dishes. Where do you buy chervil? So far I have managed chicken stock that involved making little herb parcels wrapped in leek leaves - I know, it will taste just the same as if I bunged them all in with the chicken but I am being a perfectionist. I will feed some of the boiled chicken to the dog - Cordon Bleu for the dog? I will then make a nice easy peasy Delia chicken pie for Mr Smith and he will very pleased with his purchase.

Internet Dating Jane cooked me the most lovely dinner last night and gave me a lovely birthday present, (posh garden twine with dinky little scissors). She will make Tarzan such a good wife ... if he asks her. Valentine's Day is coming up soon; Mr Smith's least favourite day of the year.

Face off

Three good things I did this morning, or rather two good things and one big fat piece of procrastination:

I went to aqua zumba and did my thing. My very fattest friend turned up and, along with the other fat ladies, we followed the movements of the graceful balletic teacher like the hippos in Fantasia.

I planted the tulip bulbs I bought in Amsterdam. I don't know if they are deep enough or whether they'll just throw themselves out of the ground. It started to snow, very hard, so I couldn't really speak to each bulb individually. I just dug a hole and shoved them in and plonked some soil on top and gave them a group hug. If they fail to appear in the Spring I'll shove some wooden ones in the spaces.

I Facebooked. What a waste of time. I just thought I ought to as everyone always asks me if I'm on it. I am now. Annabel Church Smith - I must be the only one and I have 2 friends - Internet Dating Jane and her dog.

Say cheese

In Holland I went a bit beserk at the cheese shop and bought loads of cheese. Not to worry as we've already eaten most of our three Goudas and are about to make a start on the giant Edam (like the ad for babybel). When you buy Dutch cheese in this country it's just a bit of yellow rubber but in Holland it's so creamy and rich and cheesey.

About that diet I was following .... well, I have to admit pancakes and chocolates weren't the central core of the thing. I wonder if a 6lb weight gain in two days is a record? I am now back to the grindstone and limiting the cheese intake.

One of my birthday presents was a tea box with dividers for different tea bags. I have been busily filling each little compartment but I am afraid soon their flavours will mingle together and they'll all taste the same. Lapsang Grey Pekoe?