Foot & mouth

Mr Smith has hurt his ankle so is hobbling about with a stick with which he trips me up or whacks me every five minutes. He managed to limp to the dentist where he had a teensy weensy bit of competitive dentistry performed and is now feeling tender - I'll show him tender. Anyway, the result is injured at both ends - foot & mouth. There's only one solution - slaughter. Well, maybe that's a bit drastic ... I'll nurse him better and send him to America to play golf after I've confiscated his stick.

Make of the day: Chicken cakes

Smoothies

I dashed away with the smoothing iron.... so we now have flat sheets and jeans and shirts and socks ... socks? .... no I didn't iron the socks. It was a Herculean task of immeasurable tedium with Mr Smith and the dog in the background looking on approvingly. I would rejoice with a resounding "Alleluia, it's done" but I've just seen the Apprentice heading towards the washing machine with a mountain of bedlinen.

I was supposed to be performing a dry Lent but somehow I never quite get to bed without having washed my dinner down with a glass of wine or two. However, I have observed the Sunday allowance by having one at lunchtime too. Mr Smith is such a good somelier, I feel it would be rude to pass.

I was going to make those little rabbit egg cosies for all my friends for Easter. I have managed three but now the novelty has worn off and I feel I am a prisoner in a rabbit egg cosy factory.

Perhaps some friends would prefer a Cadbury's cream egg?

Barnet Fair

Yesterday I went to the hairdressers - something I hate with a passion. It's all that staring at yourself in the mirror I dislike along with the hairdressers' silly commentary. "Now I'm going to put a towel round your shoulders if you could just lean forward for me then I'm going to shampoo your hair." Good, get on with it. It was a very trendy hairdressers that I haven't been to before. It had horrible jiggly seats at the basins and weird lights and music. The whole thing was a bit like having your hair washed in a rainbow disco. I had to ask for the vibrating seat to be turned off as it was making me feel seasick. As for head massage - don't get me started. I had difficulty dodging that one but I did. They ask you so many bloody questions - I dunno, just make it ungrey and let me out of here. I do now have very smart hair.

Today it's raining cats and elephants. It's tipping it down so I won't be going out to ruin my new hair. I might tackle that ironing. I so so so want an ironing roller designed for "a B&B or small hotel". I definitely run one of those with very demanding customers. Problemo: They cost serious money. I still might get one. It's a day for internet searching .... and making little cupcakes and doing the crossword and staring into space and coluring something in and designing a new patchwork quilt and experimenting with a rather odd pudding. So, as you can see, I am far too busy for ironing.

Happy Mondays

When I wake up in the morning I usually have some sort of blueprint for the day along the lines of collect drycleaning, take back library books, do the crossword, wash the car, walk the dog, make dinner. Of course most of the tasks don't get done; ironing can stay on the list for a few months until it becomes a permanent fixture. I don't think there would be a time when I'd find myself saying "Mmmm, I know what I want to do now, loads of ironing" and there not be any to do.

Mondays give one an opportunity to plan the whole week. Every Monday starts with a new diet plan that is usually abandoned by Tuesday or even by teatime. Also there is an exercise regime of lunatic optimism - I did manage aqua aerobics this morning at what felt like the middle of the night due to BST.

Mr Smith has a book of tasks and he regimentally ticks each one off as they are done. These are admittedly work tasks not domestic labours - he has a little book of nags for that.

Replacement service

Dilemma de la jour - there usually is one - I have replaced all our drying up cloths with ones that seem to be totally unabsorbent. Luckily Mr Smith hasn't yet volunteered to help with kitchen domestics but if he should I will have to seize the tea towel from his hand and pretend to have developed a new passion for drying up. I am hoping a boil wash (of the tea towels not Mr Smith) may rectify the problem. And, by the way, I didn't just buy one or two tea towels ... you know me.

Time has sprung forward; the dog and I are both jetlagged. Mr Smith sensibly changed all the clocks in the house to British Summer Time sometime before midnight so I can't pretend not to know what time it is and be fashionably late with meals.

Well connected

The Apprentice and I went to John Lewis to buy ourselves the new all singing, all dancing printer and wow, it's fabbo. It is wireless so you can print from your bed. It's a bit complicated for me. The student is whizzing off double sided telephone directories of print whilst I have managed one small photo of Mr Smith scowling. It was a bargain. Actually, it was on special offer at half price but I doubt anyone had ever bought one at the real price.

Whilst we were there we decided to tackle the problem of our useless internet connection and the Apprentice filled our basket high with all sorts of modem doodahs and routers with extra filtration and frequencies or summat? Just as well John Lewis had sent me a £5 voucher for being such a good customer (those towels).

The joy of being able to use the internet with no techno gym and print without it failing or going all stripey is raptuous.

Rude friends

Oooooh this is so exciting. I have a rose squidger. Internet Dating Jane came round and we squidged roses. My cakes are getting much more professional now, though there has been a request for more shark cakes from my cake eating committee.

I met the Lovely Claudia at Westfield and we bought things. Well, actually, we were quite controlled. I did have a slight trip up at Laura Ashley where I accidently bought a skirt that I'd had my eye on for ages and she got a road map for her lost son.

My Best Friend from school rang me yesterday - Fat Sarah. I hardly ever see her these days as she lives oop north but she will always be my best friend for ever and ever despite her being into kinky sex and pornography - each to their own. I wonder if she'd like some rude cupcakes?

Daffodils

A sunny day and I am feeling bright and lovely like a daffodil; that is like a daffodil with a flower on the end of its stalk unlike most of the ones in my garden that come up blind. Every year I say I'm going to dig them out but never do so we just have a whole load of green leaves sticking out of the ground with me giving them yet another sporting chance.

Yesterday was my last dentist appointment for ages. Hooray. It gets very expensive going to the dentist what with the "I was good at the dentist" present I have to buy myself and then their probing fees. I was so not in the mood for the dentist yesterday; I was in the mood to bite things.
I miss my Granny.

I've got a headache

Scotty didn't quite do it for Jane.
The Student was impossible.
My mother is being a bossy cow.
I'm off to the dentist .... again.
My head hurts.

Eleven good men and Ben

The Student has received a court summons ..... for jury service at the Old Bailey. Mr Smith despairs of our judicial system whilst I will get it deferred until he has finished the University year. Because he is so neanderthal, I will have to drive to Farnham with the form, get him to fill it in and sign it, then take it to the post box and post it myself. I don't think he'd be able to stay awake during a court case; Sensible Alison suggests speed.

Och Aye the Date: Internet Dating Jane was seeing a scotsman last night. She seemed a bit reluctant to go as she had had such a lovely time with Intercontinental Brunch man but he hadn't invited her out again despite texting her lots. (At home with his wife and kids?) OK, that was a bit mean but I don't entirely trust internet dating. I hope Scottie beamed her up, though things weren't looking that promising for him poor chap.

RIP Granny

At long last my grandmother has passed away. May angels and archangels transport her to heaven where she will attend lots of parties and drink pink gin.

Salt and vinegar

Internet Dating Jane went on a lovely date and I am quite jealous. Mr Smith took me out for fish & chips on Saturday ... doesn't really compare to Brunch with cocktails at the Intercontinental with snogging, does it?

The dog and master have gone to golf today - it's like having a nice smelling holiday without them.

I'm off to the V&A to their patchwork exhibition - early before the WI coach loads get there.

Trousers down

Spent the whole morning letting Mr Smith's golf trousers down then putting them up to the right length ready for his forthcoming golf trip to Augusta. I have done three pairs so far and frankly the novelty has begun to wain. I am making little long legged voodoo dolls out of the offcuts.

I now need to embark on my recently purchased new jeans for which there is no particular hurry as they don't fit. The problem does not lie in the waist or the hips but the thighs. The dog and I are now on the Hip & Thigh diet with lots of walking.

I have rationalised our tea towels today - no more messy drying up for Mr Smith.

Here's what I did at the weekend.

Attachment

New bit attached to my front tooth looks suitably invisible. Of course I needed a trip to Desiguel on Regent Street to calm me after the ordeal. Gosh that shop is lovely; it's like walking into a rainbow designed by me and they gave me a free shopping bag - actually two - something about being a good customer though where they got that idea from I can't imagine. Remember Mr Smith has taken up blog reading as his new hobby and yes I will mend his bloody trousers.


The Cadbury's cream egg was quite a challenge but I sort of tongued it to death - where there's a will etc.


My mother rang about my grandmother's funeral and to ask for suggestions. Well, waiting til she's dead seems a good idea to me.


Make of the Day:


What is it? All will be revealed in my next.

Dentist date

Jane's date was pants and I broke a front tooth. However she has another one lined up and I'm off to the dentist.

The Apprentice bought me a Cadbury's cream egg - How do I eat this without using my teeth? All suggestions gratefully appreciated.

Outed

I love my husband with all my heart, all the time. In fact I worship the ground on which he walks and when I have finished all the housework, I will mend his trousers and prepare his gourmet dinner. He has found my blog!

There I was wallowing in the comfort of Mr Smith's techno ignorance when he suddenly came out with "How are your new fluffy towels from John Lewis?" Oh shit.

Headless chicken

Here's what I found out today ... Never ever try to make a patchwork egg cosy in the shape of a chicken, unless you are an egg cosy in the shape of a chicken expert, because I have just wasted a whole morning and it's in the bin despite much careful planning. You want to see it? OK then, at the end of this blog.

My friend Hope is having trouble with her hose attachments in California where it's awfully dry and she desperately needs to water whereas my friend June in Boston complains that it never stops raining and the sewers have overflowed so they've been asked not to wash til Thursday.
Perhaps Facebook does have its uses after all.

Internet Dating Jane isn't playing Patience on her computer.... if you know what I mean. Imminent date .... oh so exciting.


Of course it doesn't look so bad in the picture.

Make it, bake it.

I really must stop making things. It's becoming an illness. (As though this is something new). I am just overflowing with creative energy. When I'm not quilting something, I'm knitting something or baking something or designing something. I think it's all a coverup for my inability to do some actual work i.e. painting. I have great painting ideas and one day I will get started but not before I've made my patchwork chickens and knitted my little rabbit egg cosies, and baked and iced my smiley biscuits and my little boat biscuits and done some more colouring book and another batch of cupcakes - all without Mr Smith seeing. Gosh, I am just so so so busy.

We need new tea towels; tomorrow's mission.

Someone else's Mother's Day

Son no.1 just hadn't bothered and son no.2 gave me a birthday card as he said he couldn't find a Mother's Day card. Just as well Mad Carina had sent me one "just in case they forget". Mmmm, how did she know? When I moaned to Mr Smith he merely stated that I am not his mother.

I went to a not very good cupcake show. Some of the cakes were technically brilliant but you would never want to eat them. It featured all sorts of cakes - lots of wedding cakes and things covered in horrible icing statuettes. I got a bit overcaked and felt the whole thing would have benefitted from some shark or little dog cakes. I also realise "a bit thrown together" is quite appealing where cakes are concerned.

The Student and I went to the Eat All You Can Indian buffet and felt full after about three mouthfuls. It was delicious, just rather filling. He had a hangover - there's a surprise! I was a bit stroppy. I was a great Mum until I had children.

Cup cakes and egg cosies

I am feeling so creative today. The Student has requested cupcakes - oh goody.

Tarquin's patchwork cannot be quilted for 8 weeks. The quilting place have more quilts than days in the year. The kid really will be at university by the time he gets it. Oh well, I'd still rather wait 8 weeks than do it myself.

I had a great idea for a quilt based on tulip fields, all stripey and jolly, but what has emerged is indescribable hideousness of the amateur variety. Back to the drawing board. I am going to design some chicken egg cosies instead. I am a bit confused about sizes.

My laptop is so awful these days; it's like trying to ride a unicycle when you need a car. I have to perform techno gym every time I want to use the internet and now it refuses to turn off and just performs a little spinning circle in the middle of the screen for eternity. Mr Smith says I can't have a new one - "Make do and mend" is his motto, which is a bit rich coming from someone who has never ever mended anything in his whole life.

Tarquin's Seaside Quilt

It's finished - Gosh my house is bitty. Now it goes to be professionally quilted; I've done enough.

1500 green bottles hanging on the wall

Today I don't feel a bit inspired by anything. Perhaps I was overstimulated yesterday.

The Entrepreneur has gone back to being an Apprentice - what a relief. He went on a one day seminar on setting up a business and realised he was not quite ready and also how lucky he is to have work, underpaid and overworked though he might be, when the rest of the nation's graduates are busy on playstation. I wonder if he'd like to build me a bottle greenhouse?

Things that inspired me today

Dog walkers - they must mine a million. I am charging Internet Dating Jane to walk her dog from now on.

The fabulously funny ad for Tate Britain at the tube station - so glad I had to wait a while for the train and was able to read it all. Made me laugh out loud like a mad woman.

The truly awful legless penny whistle player at Bond Street whose repertoire was so devoid of any melody it sounded like screeching taxi brakes. He only stops when someone gives him money. I was tempted to empty my entire purse if he desisted until my bus arrived; luckily it came pronto. Maybe he's actually very clever and very rich.

The great looking cupcakes in Selfridges. I will copy them.

The really good saxophone player outside Selfridges. I would have bought you a cupcake but I had to rush home.

John Lewis - well done for continuing to trade so perkily in these troublesome times. I thought I'd do my bit in linens as, according to last night's tv programme, you are struggling a bit with people not replacing their towels as they are not buying new houses or new bathrooms. I bought new fluffy towels - same colour as old ones. I will have to mark them with similar stains so Mr Smith doesn't notice they're new and somehow, very gradually, introduce the new duvet cover.

And finally: The chap asking for plastic bottles on Freecycle with which to construct a greenhouse. Good luck to him - an ambitious project I feel. I'll save him my bottles.

A stitch in time

Hooray. Stitches out Day. Only 4 hours to wait. Had horrid dream about turning up to the dentist too early and him in a terrible panic on phone to emergency services as he was killing a patient. I hope this doesn't happen to me.

I am going to somewhere nice like Selfridges with my credit card today. Actually, I have been a bit too spendy lately as Mr Smith took me shopping at Gunwharf Quays in Portsmouth at the weekend where I got my handbag and some lovely Gardeners Soap and Handcream from Crabtree & Evelyn. I told Mr Smith it was on special offer so was really cheap; it was on special offer but it was still horrifically expensive. Of course I bought heaps of other stuff. I don't think I'm particularly extravagant even if Mr Smith thinks I need treatment for shopping addiction.

Mr Smith of Sherwood

My lovely lovely Daddy is sending me some money so now I can pay my dentist bill without worrying that we will all have to live on lard butties for the rest of the year. Oh hark, here comes Mr Smith riding through the glen. On second thoughts it looks like I will be poor as usual. Mr Smith and I have different ideas about money. I'd like some holidays, some shoes and some pretty things. He'd like to spend it on pension, mortgage, isa (which I thought was something for cake decorating), and credit card payment. How boring.

I have ideas for new paintings ... watch this space.

Project de la jour: Seaside patchwork quilt, coming on a treat.

Handbags at dawn

Only two days til my stitches are removed; that is two days, three hours and 42 minutes. Mrs String Mouth can hardly wait.

Here is the handbag I bought myself in celebration. I wonder what to get after the trip to the dentist? It's always nice to get a present.

Boyfriends

This is my boyfriend, Tarquin, when he was little. He is my seaside friend and totally sweet. I am making him a seaside quilt for his birthday (he's nearly two) though every time I get out all the stupid bits of material I feel tired so I put them all away again. Maybe he can have it when he goes to university.

Mr & Mrs Smith had a totally fabulous weekend at the seaside where it was gloriously sunny and I walked the dog a million miles along the beach where he ran and frolicked in the sea and had a lovely time. I then had to go to the local greasy spoon and have the extra large builders' breakfast to quell my ravenous seaside hunger.

Our friend Simon has grown a moustache and looks like a baddie in a 1960s tv series eg The Avengers or The Saint. It makes him look 10 years older and very silly.

About boyfriends .... Internet Dating Jane needs a new one. Tarzan has swung off into the distant jungle . Never mind, plenty more where he came from and she now has the added attraction of her very own squash racket.

Irritating Advert, Irritating Son

The Entrepreneur son hasn't really got a business venture - he has one barmy idea which is a hopeless non starter. I think the opera singer in the Go Compare ad is marginally less irritating than him rabbitting on about lighting designs. Unfortunately he is at home this week, with his vision, as am I. My exercise regime has to be light and gentle as I am still recovering from my op so I can't go swimming and I'm a bit short of dosh so visiting the shops is a bit pointless. I will persuade Mr Smith to take me to the seaside. Well, it's either that or listen to the Entrepreneur - Go Compare - all weekend.

My dentistry seems all hunky dory. I had a few irritating little bits of string in my mouth (stitches) but I dealt with them with a pair of nail scissors. Nothing like a bit of home surgery. I am considering keeping them in a little jar as bathroom exhibits to frighten Mr Smith. They don't officially come out til next Thursday but I couldn't bear another week of string mouth.

Join the Navy

The Apprentice has decided that at the age of 23 he's bored of living the life of a sixteen year old. Yippee, does this mean he's going to move out? No such luck. He is looking at "careers". He changes his mind every day, sometimes three times a day, about his chosen path. I thought a year or so of apprenticing to get his full qualifications as an electrician was just the ticket but apparently he is unfulfilled. So he searches on line for new horizons which range from being a lighting designer, theatrical manager, fire alarm engineer or naval engineer. He refers to himself as The Entrepreneur. He wants to start up his own business as an electrical lighting designer cum technician- terrifying but marginally less irritating than having the Village People in my kitchen warbling "Join the Navy tra la la la la .. join the navy" until the prospect of him bobbing about on the open seas in shiny buttons seems quite appealing.

I make sensible suggestions like finding an enterprise scheme for new businesses rather than relying on me for advice. He seems to think I'm doing this too. Oh no sir. I've done my bit - produced it, made shepherds' outfits, baked birthday cakes, written sick notes and essays and sent it to university. I am not setting up a business and flogging myself to death for my son. No I am not. And he's not having my money either.

Mr Smith has become an ostrich. If there's a bit of room in his sand for my head too, I may well join him.

Go with the Rosie Flo

Oooooh I absolutely love getting presents and today was no disappointment as I managed four. My friend Designer Susan sent me the most beautiful coathangers you could ever imagine, made by her, and a gorgeous shoe bag, also made by her, complete with a little designer label which probably took her longer to manufacture than the bag. She also sent me Rosie Flo's Kitchen Colouring Book which I spent much of the afternoon colouring. The Lovely Claudia gave me a beautiful bunch of hyacinths which I spent the rest of the afternoon sniffing. What nice friends I have.

Fairy teeth

I felt a bit cheerier later yesterday and made loads of lovely fairy cakes. I can't actually eat fairy cakes as they are a bit too big for me to get my mouth around and they require post surgery chewing which I am mastering slowly and gently. The Lovely Claudia is coming to help me devour cakes this morning.

Mr Smith is a bit "If you've got the time and energy to make stupid cakes you can make my dinner." But, as we all know, that's different; baking isn't cooking.

In a bait - go away.

Oooh goody it's a sunny day. I am not feeling particularly sunny as my face aches a bit and Mad Carina has driven me insane. She is lovely and well meaning and I am a horrid friend but I am a tired friend who is trying to recover and I need to rest. She rang me at 10.30 last night when I'd just gone to sleep then she sent me a mobile phone a message at 1am that woke me up. I was SO cross. Also my bonkers aunt keeps ringing me at antisocial times and wittering at me. I am ill, go away; you are really, really annoying.

Mr Smith is being uncharacteristically nice and my underchins are diminishing gradually.

Reading: Dumas - pretty heavy going, at least it's not in french.
Looking at: Ridiculous china donut from Mad Carina - lovely pressi
Feeling: Tired.

Baby food

So what if a bowl of porridge covered in brown sugar and cream and chocolate buttons with a strawberry muller fruit corner plonked on top isn't a well balanced healthy diet? I'm still not eating that vile brown stuff that might be vegetable soup or pureed cold sausages. Oh for God's sake how I yearn for kettle chips and the strong teeth with which to eat them. In all honesty, I don't really understand what the surgeon did; I just know it was to build better foundations for my gnashers so I keep them til I'm old when I will bite people... hard.

Mrs Iguana Neck

I'm better - really fabulously better. My headache has gone, my cheeks are deflating and I am actually full of beans. It's probably best if I don't advertise this to Mr Smith too obviously unless I want to iron all the sheets and wash up. My still slightly puffy underchins are turning yellow which looks like I haven't washed my neck or I'm turning into an iguana like the one I befriended in Mexico when everyone else went to play golf.

Reading: The Black Tulip

Watching: Twin peaks and my dog asleep in a sunny spot on the floor next to my bed

Smelling: Gorgeous soothing Liz Earle face oil applied to the puffy bits

Feeling: Much happier.