Snow mink

Wandsworth Council had the massive good sense to grit the High Street in anticipation of this swirling snow; I had the massive good sense to leave my wellies at the sea.

It is sub arctic in this house. I am in bed wrapped in Granny's mink coat, inside out for fear of animal activists breaking into my bedroom and threatening me with an invitation to a rally on anti-vivisection. Mr Smith is in his nice warm office in nice warm Richmond.

This is the week I was going to swim a mile (in one go) but looking at the weather, the large white blob outside that I think is my car, the road being closed, no wellingtons - only Jimmy Choos, I think this will end up on my unachieved goals list. However, it might be warm there. I could sit in the steam room - but it's a bit boring because your book goes all crinkly and it's tricky to see the writing through the steam and specs are, obviously, useless. Maybe I should try the sauna then I could run out into the snow and roll around on the tennis court. Maybe not, the Club Committee would no doubt find some rule in the little rule book that covers such misdemeanours and I would, once again, cause Mr Smith deep embarrassment.

What a bummer!

Spent far too long at the seaside which made coming back to London a bit of a wrench especially as it was the most glorious morning with the view somehow even more magnificent than ever. I really love it there.

A mile a day

I met some ladies at swimming this morning who told me they like to swim a mile as their exercise - A MILE ... you must be joking. I just about pass out at the end of my 20 hippo lengths. I worked it out to be 64 ups and downs which would take me 40 minutes. Well, that would be OK. Admittedly I've never done anything like it before but then I'm the woman who walked across Britain in June. My new regime? Well, I'll give it a go next week when I'm feeling energetic.

The Lovely Claudia is coming to play this morning. She can admire my face, shoes and calendars (so far) and talk about Christmas. I absolutely love Claudia. I don't even mind that she's elegant, thin and a bit better at everything than me.

Mad day today with hardly a chink in the wall of happenings. If things go according to plan I will get to see Juliet, who is an amazingly brilliant artist, at her show in Wimbledon then go on to nurture the Student who is in desperate need of love and support. I have to squeeze a dog walk in between before nightfall and eventually end up at the seaside in need of a glass of wine.

Owch

Awoke this morning with a blinding headache ... maybe it's the Botox working. Oh goody, but oh baddy if I have to hold my head to stop it splitting open for the next three months. I saw Thin Jenny yesterday who asked me if Mr Smith and I were getting on OK. I thought this was a bit odd but then realised it was in reference to the bruising on my forehead and under my left eye. Glad she noticed and it's not just me exaggerating it for dramatic purposes, as can sometimes be my wont. Actually, Mr Smith is behaving quite well these days and hasn't gone off his trolly about the Botox ... yet. This is because I haven't told him how much it cost; he probably would be able to think up a less expensive way to get a black eye.

Yesterday's painting class went well. Andrea brought along some photos and we painted her daughter with boyfriend. My representation of Zoe was somewhat wide of the mark and she had an awful squint whereas Andrea's boyfriend effort was pretty damned good. How annoying!

Internet Dating Jane and I stirred beautifully and made two Christmas puddings. I don't think mine will ever be eaten as nobody likes it much and we go elsewhere for Christmas lunch anyway. However, I am going to repeat the procedure with a Christmas cake today. Oh well, it's all about keeping traditions alive and not forgetting to overeat until you explode at Christmas.

Off to restock pillows for seaside and replace broken glasses due to the smashems I seem to have every time I go there. It beats washing up. I'll brave Ikea.

Arty party

There was a replacement teacher at Zumba yesterday, a beautiful tall black man, who really taught us how to dance. It was an enormous relief to receive instruction rather than flounder around to the ever changing routines of our usual mad taskmaster. However, I did not feel fully worked out to the core; in fact I did not even get to glow so I went for a hard swim to work those fat bits and thought of my forthcoming holiday to .... East Wittering.

Internet Dating Jane and I went dog walking and inspected my forehead - no change! She's coming over this afternoon to play Stir-up Tuesday. We are making our Christmas puddings which were a great success last year due to us behaving like a couple of teenagers raiding their parents' drinks cupboard. In it all went, as no doubt it will today.

Andrea is coming for a second art lesson - a glutton for punishment. We talk about our husbands, our children and anything else that pops into our tiny brains then apply a teeny dollop of paint to the canvas and call it an art session. But it's fun. Portraiture today. I'll find a suitable photo of Mr Smith then do something Picasso with it.

Help the Aged

On my journey to return clothes in ridiculously optimistic sizes to shops, a nice young man offered me his seat on the tube. I was surprised as this hasn't happened to me before. I immediately thought I must look old, terribly old, ancient, haggard - I knew that Botox was a waste of money. It has made me look a bit tired and bruised so I probably resembled a battered wife making her way back to her refuge. Or maybe I just looked pregnant - I suspect the diet isn't really having much effect. Or perhaps he was just a lovely chap with good manners whose Mum should be proud of him.

I picked up my new mouse shoes from Selfridges then met my goddaughter, Selena, at the bus stop. We chatted and she admired my shoes and stroked their whiskers. To top off my self improvement for this week I had my eyebrows threaded and my nails done which are now an elegant shade of plum (nails not eyebrows).

My calendars arrived and I have completed my Januarys. My Februarys look a bit dreary, not that I care as Mr Smith and I will be whooping it up in the Caribbean fighting mosquitoes and getting sunburnt during Feb. However, I will redesign them to stop everyone topping themselves before Spring.

When the going gets tough .....

Arty Antonia was busy loving her children unconditionally, as one does, and working through some issues (one who wants to be homeless and a younger one who probably does too), when, in her time of need of support, her man buggered off. So she's going it alone. Well, she has before and she's good and strong and totally wonderful and I think she needs a cupcake. (Rooting for you, Rolls).

The Botox has still made no marked improvement to my lovely visage. I now have a black eye and bruises on my forehead that even Mr Smith pointed out. This was after he and the Apprentice had stopped laughing at me ... loudly. I was going to cry but it's only day two and it takes 4 days to work so maybe, just maybe, something less colourful will appear soon.

Lots of people came to the art exhibition and admired my paintings. They really did admire my pictures loudly, above all others, not even knowing they were by me which was jolly nice. But they didn't buy them. The thing ends today and Mr Smith is saving me the humiliation of my lack of sales by collecting them for me, then everyone can think he bought them.

Mirror mirror on the Wall

I know you will all think me completely mad as I do myself; yesterday I had Botox. Well, I am fed up of looking in the mirror and seeing my mother staring back at me. I like being me but I would like a few less lines on my forehead. What's it like? It's a bit like a few angry bees landing on on your face for a stinging contest. It is very expensive. So far I can see absolutely no difference whatsoever except a small bruise and a slight lump under one of the stings and a small red spot beside my left eye. Apparently it takes a few days to take effect. Of course I am absolutely obsessed with my reflection and have to check it every three minutes. I still seem to have full movement of all scowl and frown muscles with every crater and crevice still horribly visible. I'll keep you posted - hourly bulletins.

Last night Mr Smith and I went to visit our friend Andrea who was doing her thing at a charity Christmas fair. As those sort of things go it wasn't bad. Mr Smith bought me some earrings for Christmas and I bought a beautiful glass dollop for the seaside.

Today, I am refereeing at the bunfight as hundreds of people come to admire and buy my paintings. In reality I will sit lonely as a cloud in a room full of awful art waiting for Mr Smith to come and rescue me. I'll take the crossword ... and my mirror.

Michelin Stars for Me

The trial dinner went well. I cooked, they ate, I ate a bit too. It was good. It could be a teeny bit better with little additions/submissions such as greener pudding, browner main. With a bit of tweaking I reckon I have an edible meal that a panel of tasters will be able to taste and discard (too sad) and I will become Masterchef and rule the World. Oh, sorry, I was getting a bit carried away there.

I now have beautiful hair with tiny copper streaked highlights - all part of the femme fatale look. Mr Smith couldn't see them. Oh well, I tried.

Went to stir the cauldron with Mad Carina who is just so consistently lovely. She even rang me later for a bit more chat - such a brilliant mate. It's a shame she's about to electrocute herself with 15 kitchen appliances all plugged into one plug. I suppose she hasn't so far and that's what an rcb is for but I'd so hate her and Johnny to fry with Polly, their bolshy teenage daughter, fanning the flames. I would really miss her.

Selfish friend

I was very good at the dentist so thoroughly deserved a present. I bought outrageous clothes to match my new femme fatale mode. I'll probably take them all back next week when I realise what a fright I look.

I love Thursdays because they are my non-exercise days when I blob about and do things housholdy and sometimes go to the seaside. Today I am cooking. Tonight I am trying out a few culinary experiments so a few of my friends have been summoned as guinea pigs. Of course everything is stupidly complicated. I can smell the pudding burning but it hasn't yet had its prescribed time in the oven. This is all practice for my forthcoming supermarket cooking day in December when I have to cook a meal for 4 and be paid heaps of money for the privilege. I have been selected as "a typical Posh Supermarket customer" which is a bit odd as I am a Sainsburys girl but I will pretend. It should be good fun and I'm up for fun - you know me.

Internet Dating Jane got fired from her job which I am considerably more thrilled about than her as we can now play. In order to cheer her up I thought we could go and collect logs for her wood burner. We took the kids' car as it has a big boot but it also has gears. I am not familiar with gears and we both had a nightmare locating reverse. Somehow, we kangarooed to the Wimbledon Common log pile and filled the boot to the point where it no longer closed but we shoved a bit. We then had to unload all the sodden logs at her house in the rain. I did moan which, as I had volunteered for this task, wasn't very kind to Jane. I am so looking forward to toasting my feet in front of her roaring fire throughout the winter months seeking sanctuary from Mr Smith and the tribe. I so hope she doesn't find any suitable employment for many a month; it's great having her around.

Some day my prince will come

In a bid to look a bit femme fatale I have taken up wearing very red lipstick (think Jenny Eclair or Snow White) with uncomfortable high heels. The result is something along the lines of a drunk tart. Oh well, I tried.

Off to the dentist today. I'd rather give birth but receeding gums are not pretty so needs must. Hair tomorrow. Is there no end to my self improvement? It's not as though Mr Smith even notices but then I don't suppose "Your teeth look magnificent" is on my top ten list of most sought after compliments. "Your arse looks much smaller" is the one I'm really striving for and, on that note, I'm off to swim it into better shape.

You can't curry love

I had a brainwave of an idea - I do sometimes. I am going to make arty calendars for Christmas, as I did last year - only, I'll do more and better ones this year. So to order the calendars. Firstly, I couldn't find the website as it kept telling me it was closed or dead or something. Then I had no internet connection. Then my computer would only do a blank screen. Then, when I eventually did find it, there were no calendars of the sort I liked. I had to order skinny ones .... three times as I didn't have a password but did, apparently, have an account. I ordered a new password, replaced the order, then couldn't pay because it wouldn't take my credit card. So I have now cancelled 2011. It seemed the only sensible thing to do.

I made chicken curry last night and they moaned. It was a delicious korma but according to Mr Smith and the Apprentice, my ever appreciative audience, it was too mild. I added nuts and cream and everything. I think they prefer a cook-in sauce, the Philistines. I shall scour the shelves of Waitrose for a Bangalore Phal sauce and add a few extra chillies then watch Mr Smith turn purple.

Good morning Inuit People

Hello dear blog readers who I now know exist as I have found the bit on this site that tells you how many people are reading your drivel. I suspect they are all automatic sites that hone in on certain words in order to compile world stats such as how many people on-line moan about diets, shoes, bras etc. It gives you a world map showing the vague location of your readers. Firstly, thank you all so much for bothering especially those of you in Alaska and West Sussex. Secondly, I now feel an urge to make it all less boring which is a bit tricky because my life is actually woefully dull and, without telling enormous lies, I can't think how to make it much more entertaining.

So I am now off to go shopping with Cheryl Cole after my makeover with Gok followed by my tour of the Royal Academy with David Hockney. Mr Smith has a wonderful evening lined up for us with dinner at the Ivy followed by ... yeah yeah yeah. OK I'd better get my fat body to Zumba class then clean my house and go to stained glass class and walk dogs, think about dinner and do the crossword before shouting all the wrong answers over the right ones on University Challenge. I think I quite like my life just as it is.

New horizons

I met a possible buyer for my paintings yesterday. I am sure he wouldn't actually have bought them but he designs hotels and is always on the lookout for fun art. Anyway, we went to the exhibition to find it was closed. How useless exactly are these people? I despair.

I have a new painting brewing. It's a Noah's Ark with the animals descending Mount Ararat, "going forth to multiply" if I remember correctly. This is of course an excuse to paint a jungle and lots of teeny things like spiders and ladybirds with the big stuff in the background.

Internet Dating Jane and Ryanair (her lovely internet date) will be motoring down from Scotland today after a long weekend away of which, even if they spent the entire time bickering and staring at the drenching rain whilst stuck in a traffic jam, I am unashamedly jealous. No, knowing them they probably climbed into the back seat to pass away the time. Mr Smith is rather tall for such activities and my car, though not cramped, is of the snug variety.

Beautiful shoes make you beautiful friends

My new Jimmy Choos are so lovely and so comfortable and a truly great investment. They make me feel bold and clever and terribly extravagant; not to mention a bit of a tart. I wore them to the pub quiz, actually forgetting I was wearing them (they are that comfy). They made me not only answer all the art and literature questions correctly but even know the area of Wales. My friends are so envious, except Designer Susan who thought they were a little too logo emblazened and wanted to remove the little gold tags from the backs. NO NO NO. However, she had to try them on.

Well, off I go to swim a billion lengths of swimming pool, then meet Mr Smith after his golfy morning and visit my paintings at their crappy exhibition. Busy me.

Tempestuous seas

The seaside was so stunningly wonderful. I arrived in glorious sunshine then watched it change as a treacherous storm blew in with high seas and fearsome winds followed by driving rain. I stayed for almost three days until I could bear no more then wrenched myself back to reality.

I have now returned to the bosom of my family who seem overly pleased to see me. "What's for dinner? Have you paid the paper bill? When are you going to put up my trousers and do the ironing? The dog needs a walk. And by the way the hoover is broken." I do love them but my homecoming just doesn't involve the little band and bunting I have in mind. The dog seems pleased to see me although he is soggy from his wet walk which makes him far less therapeutic to stroke.

Now what shall I cook for dinner? Why can't they all eat dog food and do their own ironing? You simply have to empty the hoover occasionally then it works like a dream.

I feel a painting coming on. That'll keep me occupied.

Shoe shopping

Yesterday I bought new shoes and tarty underwear. The shoes fit.

Selfridges came around to my way of thinking and I have more shoes on order, mouse shoes; they're divine. I then rang the Lovely Claudia, who was performing jury service, to ask her advice on a pair of to-die-for red Jimmy Choos. The case was adjourned whilst I described their lovely gold buckles, red crocodile finish and little metal jimmy choo tags on the backs - "Buy them" she said. So I did. Imelda eat your heart out.

It's so sunny today. I think I'll totter off to the seaside and watch a storm come in. Maybe I'll plan a new painting - something deluvian.

Mother Christmas

My demanding mother rang last night. Do I want to go Christmas shopping with her? Do I want to bore through my finger nails into my fingers with sharp drill bits? Why on earth would I want to do that? Apparently, so I can choose gifts for my brother and his family - oh lucky me! I firmly said "No". Look, I've got my own Christmas shopping to do which I will think about in December and not a day before. The bloody woman just makes me want to cancel Christmas altogether which would be a shame because I love Christmas.

A few weeks ago I bought a very expensive pair of shoes in Selfridges that don't actually fit. I thought I would take them back today but I have found, in the small print on the receipt, a 14 day exchange notice. Oh dear, it's way past 14 days. Oh well, I will go ready for battle and let's see who wins.

And, later today, I am visiting my mother to arrange a date for Christmas shopping.

Mrs Picasso does her stuff

I finished my painting, yippeeeeeee. I then took it, along with two others, to the exhibition which, frankly, looked a little mixed. There were a few very good paintings but there were also some inexcusably bad paintings that made me wince. I should be happy as the competition doesn't look all that but, there again, do I really want to exhibit my beautiful daubs with a load of complete shite? Some poor buggers must have thought that about mine in the past. They even maybe do now. Well, if they sell I'll be sad because they are all paintings I like and if they don't I will be happy as I can keep them, my children. Not a great commercial venture really!

What's next. Well, my family think dinner would be a good idea. I think a takeaway would be even better but I suppose I'd better don the pinny and do my stuff.

Happy Sundays

Today I feel electrically charged and raring to go. I still have a warm cosy feeling running through me that I thought might disappear by the light of day but I am happy to announce it has decided to stick around. It gives me great impetus to work.

There is what looks like half a cow in our fridge. My brother-in-law is coming to lunch today. He's the sort of person who has thirds then says he didn't like it very much but he ate it because he was hungry. Mr Smith is putting on bit of a show. I don't know why he wants to impress his brother but I will tow the line and cook a proper Sunday lunch with the everything as one does. And eat it. And wash up after it. And not complain.

Wrapped in a duvet of warmth and happiness

I have been enjoying myself at the seaside which was fun but I am now hopelessly behind on a painting that has to be finished by Monday. It looks like an all nighter tomorrow unless a miracle happens. This painting is Mrs Rousseau mowing the jungle - she's doing a splendid job and I really quite like this picture so far. I had a good day.

In fact, I have had a spiffing day. Mr Smith was nice to me, so was the dog. I have had a lovely warm glowing feeling running through my veins all day. I feel satisfied, fulfilled and happy. I hope tomorrow can be as gratifying.

Just me and the sea

Lunch with M-C today. I am going to her house at 11 to play. I'm so looking forward to seeing her as I need her to sort out all my sewing disasters.

Last night we had a really delicious dinner - devilled pheasant. Mr Smith managed to moan about it which is never a good idea unless you want it thrown at you. Luckily the Apprentice refereed.

Yesterday I achieved a tidy desk, a cleanish kitchen and a cut finger (very teeny cut) from cutting glass and, of course, absolutely no picture was painted whatsoever.

I feel like some sea air today. I'll mooch off to Sussex after lunch and be happy. I now have my flat back to myself with no horrid rentals for ages. I so love the seaside. I can please myself and go for huge coastal walks with no dog which means no stopping to sniff everything and chasing after other dogs. My car is going to car clinic so I am spending two nights there - heaven. And no Mr Smith, the Student or Apprentice.

A gloriously sunny day

Today looks like work. I absolutely have to paint a painting as it isn't painting itself, despite being shown clearly what to do. I will have to spend most of the day tickling it. But first it's Aqua Zumba at the ungodly hour of 9.30am.

Things I will probably do instead of painting:-
Cut stained glass windows for my little stained glass church,
Sew the Bayeux Tapestry,
Sew some more houses for the housing project,
Make an apron,
Work on the Canadian Quilt,
Knit a dog,
Clean the kitchen,
Dog walk,
Cast a hoover around the house,
Stare into space a bit.

I would like to be able to do all these things as well as painting but there are simply not enough hours in the day.

Mr Smith seems rather bouncy this morning - sunshine has this effect on him. I must remember to keep the light off.

Venus and Mars

The Apprentice and I have decided to give the Student an impromptu late birthday party - just us. We are going to make him a cake and take it to Farnham along with his pressies. We simply cannot ignore him being 21. We then have to dash back so I can go on a diet. Well, I have an appointment with a diet lady at 8pm after which I will come home and eat the contents of the fridge.... then start my diet.

Can men and women be friends? I think so but some of my friends say not because the sex thing gets in the way. I suppose it's not an issue if you don't fancy the other party but even if you do you can be such good mates that you would never want to ruin that friendship. Mr Smith doesn't have female friends ... as far as I'm aware. He's not allowed; he might want to shag them.

The Lovely Claudia has jury duty this month. This will be followed by a full Coven (best 3 friends) meeting to rehear the case.

Cooking up a storm

I started today with a very energetic and busy Zumba class. There is nothing quite like a whole room full of people moving in perfect rhythm to very loud Latin American music - really gets you going. Man, can I salsa!

Last week I bought supplies for stained glass making so I was better equipped for my class today. It didn't help; I was still pants at it. The suppliers is quite a magical place and I was definitely in the sweetie shop. I bought loads of glass but not nearly enough. I can't wait to go back and waste more money. Mr Smith would despair only I don't leave it lying about, unlike the 32 other projects I have on the go.

I went to visit Sensible Alison and we discussed menu ideas for the forthcoming Supermarket cookery morning I have coming up in December. She was very helpful although I did think her pudding suggestions were far too sensible. I have plumped for something involving vast amounts of sugar and cream with a bit of fruit thrown in. Sounds beastly, I know.