Perking

I have been a bit down in the dumps lately what with having the job (temporarily) cancelled and loads of other crappy things not going the way I wanted. I was a bit of a sad Mrs Smith with not quite my usual chipper disposition. I did try to pull myself together. In fact I tried everything. I tried cooking (hard work Cordon Bleu recipes with Mr Smith turning the pages and demanding choux pastry cygnets - that's next week's meal). I did loads of ironing with my amazing ironing machine, sparkly cleaning (vastly overated as a passtime), shopping with the Lovely Claudia, walking (10 miles yesterday), eating, drinking, buying expensive clothes, chatting and crying but just nothing made me happy until my darling Mr Smith bought me some Belgian chockies, my totally favourite ones. He was passing the shop so got the chocolates for us to share - he hadn't actually noticed I was miserable.

Now the job's back on and we are going to Suffolk on Sunday (just for the day). The student has made a good film so should get some good marks (about time). So I'm much perkier now and will mope no more.

One two cluck

The job's back on.

Don't you hate it when that happens?

The job got shelved! Well, it's postponed for now. Yesterday I was all gloaty at Mr Smith at how I was going to be paid heaps of dosh for an easy peasy doddly art job; today I am going to have to be rather quiet. Part of me inside my head is screaming at my idiot boss "But you were going to pay me a grand" as I cheerfully say to him "Oh that's OK, just let me know if you do decide to go ahead." It's a bit like being given a present then having it whipped away at the last minute, and minding. I won't cry but I am a bit chizzed.

The Lovely Claudia took me to my all time favourite place, Costco, where I had a terrible dilemma with a box of 40 Cadbury Boosts. In the end I showed enormous resolve and I left them on the shelf. I got 48 Toffee Crisps instead.

Arty farty

The man I love, apart from the wondrous Mr Smith of course, rang me yesterday. My heart went all pitter pattery. He is my boss, so actually it's his money I really love rather than him. The lovely thing about him is he gives me work; lovely work of the sort you'd almost pay to do. It's a bit hush at the mo because I don't like to shout about arty jobs until I definitely have them in my paw and am applying paint. Whilst at the drawing board stage you have to be careful as the job could either go to someone else or get shelved. I don't want to do any chicken counting so to speak but I can't wait to start.

London calling (or not)

Dentist today - oh God. Oh well, at least it means I can get myself an "I was good at the dentist" present. I do so like presents and if they're from me I know they're something I like.

I have lost my mobile phone. I don't think it's very seriously lost; I think it's just somewhere amongst all the junk in this hovel. It's not a great tragedy as the only calls I ever receive are missed calls from me looking for my mobile phone. I'll live without it even if it is a useful tool with which to berate Mr Smith and give him guidance in his shopping "No not that kind of milk ... the green one like we always have, you unobservant eejit." However, losing something is tiring as you spend so long looking for it and worrying about its whereabouts - such a waste when you could be thinking lovely thoughts about pretty pink things or something.

The wonderful, gorgeous, sexy, delicious gay man (with the now suitably plumped ego) I sat opposite at Jane's dinner party has read this blog and I do have to apologise for hinting he should ever even dream of wearing women's clothes - perhaps he's more bikers' leathers and a stick-on moustache sort of chap. However, your face cream is definitely not safe with him around.

Hot and unbothered

Cor, it ain't half hot Mum. I am lounging around feeling fat and hot. At least I'm not as hairy as the dog who throws himself down in shady places with a big sigh. However, I did get up early this morning to dig shallow graves for all my new plants. I will cosset them and persuade them to blossom and not wither and die. I will have to give Mr Smith and the Apprentice watering lessons for when I am away unless we have non stop rain throughout June.

I have my sewing class this afternoon but it's so hot I really don't want to go. Maybe I'll learn how to make a patchwork bikini or a tennis racket cover like at school (I never finished mine). I think I'll just sit hotly with all the other hot ladies thinking about Pimms. I know, I'll make them all jealous by taking a nice cold bottle of water.

How does your garden grow?

Mr Smith and I gardened. We waged war against ground elder, bindweed, brambles, nettles and that blue thing that looks like a giant forgetmenot and we dug and scraped and scratched and pulled and hacked until our garden looked splendid covered in plastic bags of weeds. Now I will plant things and pray they don't all die. They usually do; or Mr Smith pulls them out thinking they're weeds.

Wearing long sleeved garments to cover our scratched arms, we went to Internet Dating Jane's birthday dinner which was fabulous. Someone was wearing the same dress as me but at least we weren't sitting next to each other so I didn't have to scream at Mr Smith to take me home and change. Jane looked lovely in something pink/orange and expensive. I sat between a married couple who were both very nice and didn't have a row across me which Mr Smith and I certainly would have done. I sat opposite the most lovely gay man who was so rubbish at being gay - no boyfriend and no idea of how to get one. I think he secretly likes women so he can wear their clothes and use their face cream. He asked me whether I'd know he's gay - I pointed out that not only does he make Graham Norton look straight but had he failed to notice how much attention he was getting from the sashaying waiters? Mr Smith was surrounded by beautiful women at the far end of the table - what a lovely time he had. I was so so so drunk. My hangover is um er ... maybe I'll garden tomorrow.

Mermaid and chips

I went swimming before going to dinner with Sensible Alison and Unpresuming Ed in order to stretch my muscles after a day of gardening. It didn't really work as I am mighty stiff today - getting old and creaky. We had the most delicious wild salmon caught by Ed on the Tweed or Tay, or somewhere, which I estimated costing just less than mermaid per pound by the time you accounted for the rod, gillie and travel to and from Bonnie Scotland. Anyway, well caught Ed, well cooked Alison and well eaten us.

Have you ever heard of a Glasgow salad? It's a plate of chips!

Mrs Smith's Spiffing Day

I had a totally lovely day yesterday. It was sunny and hot. I did my community service which was really enjoyable as I caught up with an old friend and made a new one. I even managed a good walk from Barnes to Putney - body beautiful as well as face and brain! I walked the dogs and saw Jane's cushion in its new residence - it was a great hit by the way. In Barnes I saw some Union Jack cushions in a shop window and I have to declare them not half as good as mine and rather expensive; none of them had dogs in the middle!

My day continued in its same lovely vein as I changed the sheets and gardened the garden and cleaned the kitchen and finished the crossword (always most satisfying when that happens.) I then rang my friend Sensible Alison and invited Mr Smith and me to dinner with her and Unpresuming Ed tomorrow. "Of course" she said - what a nice friend.

To round off the fabulousness of my super day, Internet Dating Jane came to dinner. Unfortunately, she hasn't been on any exciting dates since the Frenchie but Big Ears is still sending her the odd message and she is being stalked (nicely) by a chap who didn't quite rock her boat - shame he doesn't get it ... You're ugly, she doesn't fancy you, you gormless twit, move on.

We ate banana muffins, as shown. The thing that looks like a yellow and black maggot is supposed to be a tiny banana.

Union Jack

I finished Jane's birthday present and am now going to make her a little birthday banana muffin. This is just a banana muffin with a candle shoved in the top. I might make some tiny little bananas for decoration. I'll show you tomorrow.

Lavatory Humour

We have four loos in our house which is quite a lot of conveniences really - enough for everyone. However, the top one in the boys' bathroom has a very small cistern and is really not much cop for number twos. Also, it is in the boys' bathroom which means you have to wear full protective overalls to enter whilst waving disinfectant before you. The downstairs loo is a bit emergency only as it is very small and again no cop for number twos as it has no ventilation. The upstairs loo, known as the Latrine for some reason, is Mr Smith's bog. He keeps it Antarctically frozen and doesn't ever clean it. I do occasionally, and I turn on the towel rail just to have it smartly turned off again by Scott. Then there's my loo in my bathroom. It is perfect in every respect and swallows everything including floaty ones and it's comfy and pleasant and private. However, the handle is a bit broken. It was only a tadge broken but then the plumber came and made it much worse. He went to get a spare part and never came back. I am reduced to using the Latrine which made Mr Smith frightfully shirty as not only did my teeny little poo refuse to disappear but the loo paper went all floaty too. He is trying to put lead in my tea and feed me iron filings to make things heavier. I wish he'd just find that elusive plumber.

Community service

I am having a very difficult day. I am making Internet Dating Jane a present for her birthday - all hush hush at the moment. It has gone a bit wrong but I am ploughing on in the hope it will turn out OK in the end. It's awfully tricky. I so wish I could sew straight. Never mind, wiggly stitches give it that home made look. She can always throw it away or put it in the dog basket. I told her it is still full of pins - "Is it a cake?" she asks. Don't tempt me.

I went to an exhibition in Putney as my patchwork teacher was exhibiting "Work by students". How I truly wish I hadn't contributed, but I did. I am now stewarding the damned thing on Thursday which was the day I was supposed to go shopping with the Lovely Claudia. One has to do one's bit for these things otherwise some poor sod ends up running the whole thing single handed. May I be rewarded in heaven.

My computer still doesn't link to the printer. My house is a pigsty. My garden is a wilderness. My dog is going bald. I have my period. My loo doesn't work and the plumber has disappeared. Not one of my best days really.

Fried Brains and banana trews

The Apprentice has gone to Bath for the week to work. Oh lovely, a holiday for Mr & Mrs Smith without him. He was supposed to be connecting my Baby Del to our all singing and dancing terrifying printer. Nothing seems to have happened despite it downloading all night long and I haven't the faintest idea how to make it work. HELP.

I used my mobile whilst it was recharging. Do you think it's fried my brains out? It did get rather hot and I haven't been very good at remembering anything since.

I have a horrid headache but I don't think it was caused by the brain frying incident as it didn't hurt then. It was due to a bit of dehydration on Saturday's long walk. It was not helped by the sight of Mr Smith in his very very bright yellow golfing trousers at breakfast this morning. Honestly he looks like Banana Man going off to host his golf tournament. The dog is trying to wipe his nose on them. It's a lovely sunny day which just reflects that yellow even more.

I think there's a Student here somewhere, post gig. I will go and look and then return him to his university. I can't have things like that cluttering up my house.

Lost and Found

Last year I lost all the details of my car i.e. insurance, tax docs, log book etc. We searched the house high and low looking through every drawer, box, file etc. I could only assume the folder had been thrown away amongst some other papers. A whole year later Mr Smith has just found them UNDER a drawer. Part of me was Oh Brilliant Lovely Marvelous Mr Smith who I love and worship you are so clever to find my car details, and the other part was You Spawny Eyed Wazzock I gave you those papers for safe keeping and you bung them in a drawer that is too full so they get pushed underneath and you are irresponsible and careless. But you have to watch it with Mr Smith; he can turn sulky. So I opted for the first and all is well. I cannot tell you how many days I spent looking for those papers - oh well, it did get things cleared out a bit. Mr Smith is now sorting through his desk drawers - Good Boy - Are you sure you want to part with your Under 12s egg and spoon race certificate?

He's now taking me shopping in Sainsbury's - sometimes known as a trolly hijack with a woman chasing round the aisles trying to find a man and a trolly (of beer). It adds hours to your shopping but you do get fit.

Nothing doing

Apart from my trip to the seaside being really sunny and lovely and quiet and fabulous and Mr Smithless and my middle bottom teeth going crooked, I can't think of anything interesting to tell you at all. Perhaps later today something amazing will happen, Mr Smith will be abducted by aliens, the Apprentice and Student will appreciate me ... add the dog to that, and my teeth will go straight again. I think it's subsidence after all that underpinning I had done on the other bits.

I'm off on a little stroll along the Thames - 11 miles from Shepperton to Teddington ... or Kingston or somewhere. See www.mrssmithsbigwalk.blogspot.com.

The things we do for love

I eventually made some quite good cupcakes ... for Georgie, the Apprentice's old schoolfriend, for her birthday. The darling Apprentice rang to say he would be late to Georgie's party so could I please drive over to her house, deliver the cupcakes and some clean clothes for him. And do you know what? I solemnly did. And I had just vowed to stop mothering the boy. Oh how pathetic am I? Secretly, I wanted to show off my cakes. I was then SO SO SO good. With everyone asking me to stay, I said no because I had to go home and cook Mr Smith's dinner. He wasn't a bit appreciative and couldn't inmagine why I would want to spend my evening with a load of fab hip people all drinking champagne and having fun rather than at his ugly mug scowling like Gordon Brown at Nick Clegg's decision to join the Conservatives.

Tomorrow I am definitely going to the seaside. On my own.

Le Dating

Vet, plumber, vet, plumber. I do not have to vet the plumber but I do have to clean the bathrooms before he comes. I must also take Mr Scratchy pants, our dog, to the vet. He has a skin condition and looks like a "before" for head & shoulders - very scurfy and itchy; it's driving me mad.

Internet Dating Jane seems to have thrown over Big Ears in favour of a french man - ooh how continental. On the plus side he sounds absolutely lovely with charming manners and he is a keen as moutarde. On the downside he has children - several. Oh well c'est la vie. Bon chance Jane. That just about exhausts my french for now whilst Jane searches frantically for a cedilla on her mobile.

My fairy cakes have gone wrong - my cakes never go wrong. They're a bit flat and biscuity. Attempt deux coming up. Oooo la la, I've gone all french again.

What's for dinner?

Oh please God make next week less busy. Much as I love going out and having people round to play at my house, I am exhausted. On Friday Sensible Alison and Unpresuming Ed came to dinner and I ate and drank far too much. The next day we were supposed to be going racing but it was raining and we, honestly, just couldn't be arsed. Ross & Georgina, Mr Smith's sister, came to lunch followed by dinner with more Smiths and the Apprentice. I never want to cook again or wash up ever ever. Mr Smith looks fat, happy and relaxed.

I really like Georgina and Ross and I wish they didn't live the other side of the Atlantic. However, in August we are off to stay with them in Canada which is super exciting in a way that, say, Godalming wouldn't be.

Today, with a groaning hangover, I was dragged to the Grand Designs Show at Excel by the Apprentice. It was exhausting but it was surprisingly good. I bought a new hoover and some plastic moss. I can hoover up the moss? Well, all will be revealed next week. In a few year's time all things like hoovers will be wireless - they will recharge from wireless electricity along with the mobile phone and laptop and, according to Phillips, there'll not be a plug in sight. Just imagine not having to remember your phone charger, your laptop charger, your camera charger... Nah, it'll never catch on.

Alzheimer's

Who is Prime Minister of Britain? They're not really going to hang him, are they?

Fatty fatty fat pants

I had a horrible wardrobe moment yesterday when all my clothes ganged up against me and refused to fit. It wouldn't have mattered a jot if we hadn't been going out. The result was a mountain of discarded dresses and a very fat lady about to burst into tears with nothing to wear. I don't quite know why I have swollen up and feel like a whale. I blame that pizza. I really look pregnant. I crammed myself into a pair of Trinny & Suzanna pants (they didn't really work) then found, in the furthest depths of my wardrobe somewhere beyond Narnia, a big velvet tent dress that I squeezed into. I think I need to visit Evans outsize shop; somewhere I vowed I would shoot myself before entering except to gawp at the fat people and ensure I never become like them. Mr Smith suggesting pricking me to see if I deflated. Any excuse, honestly.

We went for dinner in the West End with Mr Smith's family and jolly nice it was too. My brother-in-law forgot to vote. Well, he had just flown from Spain and didn't really have time. It all looks like a draw anyway.

After my lovely dinner with a rather weird banana mousse for pudding, I feel even fatter. Perhaps I will explode - stand well back, further than that.

Cupcake party

Dilemma de la jour: Shall I make cupcakes or vote in the general election? No contest really, cupcakes it is.

Mister Frears had sticky out ears .....

Mrs Fat of Fatsville here. Went out last night to see a really good film at the BFI with Internet Dating Jane and the Student about the life of some film bloke and afterwards to dinner where I ate a pizza. Today I have gained 5 pounds. Admittedly I ate pudding as well. 5 pounds! Oh bollocks. Now I'll have to work extra hard at getting it off and there's no way I'll fit into my pink dress by Saturday when I'm off to the races.

Anyway, back to the BFI where the opening address was given by Martin Scorcese - cooo! My film student was bowled over. This was followed by that bloke from the Kumars who was funny. The film was about the work of Jack Cardiff who was a very great cameraman and director and worked with most of the fabulously famous. I came away far better informed about the making of films and I'm pleased to say all those Sunday afternoons of my youth spent in front of the telly watching the afternoon film paid off as I had seen most of Jack's films.

Internet Dating Jane is seeing a chap with sticky out ears. This reminded me of the verse in Lily the Pink which ends with .... "and now he's learning how to fly". I pointed out that many great men have sticky out ears ... Prince Charles, Martin Clunes to name two. Anyway, it gives her something to hold onto during intimate moments. They haven't got that far yet as she's still trying to get over his ears and buying sticking plaster.

Vitamin soup

About my new ironing machine .... it's mighty tricky to do sheets with no creases. I am definitely getting creasier in my ironing rather than smoother. I will have to practice more. However, it does get through it all immensely quickly creases or no creases.

I have been very good about taking my vitamins every day. One aid to this is a vitamin sorter - a long plastic arrangement divided into seven sections marked with the days of the week. Yesterday I filled it up "A coenzyme for you, a cod liver oil for you" etc. Today I dropped it into the basin ... full of water. I didn't think it would matter too much ... wrong. There is a nasty little sludge in each compartment. Perhaps I should just leave it to dry out and let all the pills congeal together? I will simply take a vitamin block each day. Mr Smith thinks vitamins are stupid anyway. He's probably right, he usually is about most things or at least I let him think he is.

Cryogenics

Mr Smith bought me a compass at the weekend. (See www.mrssmithsbigwalk.blogspot.com) This, as far as I can make out, is an aid for getting totally lost. After several disputes about where north lies, bearing in mind we were on the south coast looking out to sea, Mr Smith concluded that I still have the directional sense of a banana only a banana would be better at reading the compass. Oh.

Tomorrow my new freezer is coming - oh this is so so so exciting but I can see that you might not be wetting your pants in shared anticipation. It's a bit like when someone's pet dies, the end of the world for them but I a bit of a shrug to the rest of us. Well, the reason I am so excited about my freezer is that at long last we will have some space for our excess produce and shopping. Perhaps I should get in lots of fish fingers and chips in anticipation - not that we ever eat either of those but they'd look nice in the freezer. Mr Smith might be banned from my new freezer as he fills freezers with endless bottle coolers and big flat plastic things to keep things cold that we never ever use. I think it'll be mine for secret supplies of Haagen Daz ice cream and my lovely home grown veg on the top.

Sew sew quick quick sew

We did have a jolly time at the seaside where I managed to get Tarquin's quilt finished and delivered and he seemed quite satisfied with it - we aim to please.

We went shopping in Portsmouth where a band of jolly sailors struck up and paraded then fired a canon. They must have known we were coming. Even Mr Smith thought they were quite jolly whilst he shopped for socks and colours were raised.

Oh I do like to be beside the seasise ... with Mr Smith

I am still quite cross with Mr Smith and his golf clubs - may they corrode. He is being very well behaved now and as a result I altered his trousers quite nicely so he can get his legs into them and they are not severed at the knees. Later today he is taking me and the dog to the seaside, then shopping. Oh jolly good. Now it just needs to stop raining and all will be well in the worlds of Mr & Mrs Smith.