At the start of my Big Walk my fat little trotters got a bit sunburnt and itched every night for three solid weeks. They are better now but I have started peeling - revoltingly. Huge flakes of skin are being deposited around the house and I have to follow myself about with a hoover. I am in fact a snake. However, I am pleased to report I seem to almost have finished this disgusting process and my legs are looking quite brown if a bit stripey and my knees are a lot less fat after all that walking.
Those useless wastes of space, known as my family, have broken the hoover ... and it was new. I have mended it. God knows what they hoovered up; quite a lot of the dog I think as his tail is looking very wispy.
There are complaints from the vegetarian neighbours about Mr Smith's smelly barbecues. But that's the only way my neanderthals know how to cook! They should be happy I'm back in the kitchen producing the usual inedible meals. Whilst I feel sorry for them having to endure Mr Smith's cooking of dead animal parts I also think Fancy decreeing what the people in the next house to yours can and can't eat and I feel an outdoor pig roast coming on at once.
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